When my youngest daughter was a toddler, she was very sensitive and would cry to express her needs. I was sometimes at a loss for what she wanted or needed from me, which caused me great frustration. I would try to guess what was bothering her and how I could be of any help. Finally one of her preschool teachers taught me to say to her: “Use your words”. She coached me through ways to help my daughter find the words to describe what she was feeling or needing.
The same phrase- “Use your words” can be applied to leadership, especially in times of conflict and change. When we choose to express ourselves more clearly with descriptive words, we are more accurate in what we need to say. Our words empower us to be open to a dialogue.
[Tweet “Using our words instead of our attitudes is the best way to lead.”]
When listening to leaders complain about why their teams aren’t performing, I often hear their emotions running high. There can even be anger that seems to overtake the conversation resulting in miscommunication. Instead of hearing the feedback we honestly want to give to others, all our teams hear is moodiness and negativity.
Are you ready to kick the habit of allowing our emotions to overtake our message and “Use your words”? These five strategies may help:
1. PLAN OUT YOUR MESSAGE
Before sharing your words of wisdom, make sure you are clear what you actually want to say. Instead of shooting out some crazy statement about something you are angry about, figure out what points you need to make. I even find writing down the words can ensure the best language is chosen.
2. DECIDE ON THE DELIVERY
This step is often overlooked because leaders are always in a hurry to give instructions to the troops. STOP. Think about the best place and way to “Use your words”. Ask yourself:
- Should I be saying this to the entire team at once?
- Would it be better to meet with an individual or a few teammates?
- Is it best to send an email ahead of time outlining my concerns?
- How much time should I set for the actual delivery and how much time for follow-up questions?
3. REFLECT ON YOUR EMOTIONS
It is so important to be honest about how we may be feeling about the situation. Do we feel a lack of control or angry that we wanted the outcome to look differently? Being self-aware of where we emotionally stand on an issue can help us keep that emotion in check. If we are frustrated we might raise our voices or become sarcastic. If we feel defeated we might sound negative and hopeless. Locate the emotions and feelings and then put them on the shelf for a later time. Don’t allow them to creep into our words.
[Tweet “Being self-aware empowers us to keep our emotions in check.”]
4. BE READY FOR PUSHBACK
Any seasoned leader knows that our messages aren’t always welcomed with open arms. However, that doesn’t mean our words won’t be heard. Just think about what the team’s reaction might be and be prepared for disagreement and discussion. Know the possible arguments and sticky points and make an effort to validate them. Don’t forget to “Use your words” carefully.
5. EMPOWER OTHERS TO “USE THEIR WORDS”
Similar to how I encouraged my daughter to use her words instead of crying, do the same for those around you. When emotions run high, stay calm and professional with the kind words: “I am eager to hear your viewpoint. Be specific. Be honest. Be clear.”
How do you lead “Using your words”?
Excellent. My favorite is your number 5…. great leaders pull out the important words from others. They are yearning to hear what people really think.
Empowering others to say what they need to say in a clear and unemotional way can cultivate strong team relationships which will definitely heighten team performance.
I recently worked with a manager who was always angry with one of the people on his team because he felt she never spoke up about how she was feeling about a project they were working on together. When he realized he had the leadership tools to help her express herself by assuring her it was more important to speak up honestly than keep things hidden, the issues were quickly resolved.
Thanks Karin!
Your opening story really caught my attention, Terri…great illustration!
Like Karin, I like #5 best becaue I’ve used it several times myself! Often, I’ve found that many times when people are having a hard time expressing themselves or taking ownership of their words, I will encourage them to express themselves as best they can, and then use those same words when talking to other team members…
The individual automatically feels that they were heard and that their words were powerful enough to be repeated….
Looking forward to hearing more from you in the new year!
Helping others get their words out is a powerful way to help them grow their leadership. Not everyone can easily find a way to share their messages so it can be so eye opening when someone steps in to assist. Encouraging people to cultivate a clear message before blurting it out makes the words much more impactful.
The story about my daughter stays with me to this day. I have even reminded her of it to think about when she connects with her teammates at work.
Thanks LaRae!
Excellent post! Great reminders of how to effectively communicate with others. Will definitely be sharing. Well done Terri!
Thanks Cynthia for your kind words and continuing support!
Happy 2015!
I’m with Karin – love #5. People who are sulking or look like they’re about to explode, are much better off using their words than internalizing their stress and frustration. Leaders should’t fear others using their words… it’s much worse when they hold it in!
Another great post, Terri with spot on advice!!
What people often do when they can’t express themselves is hold in what they really need to share and later become aggressive when their words finally come out. I call these communicators-“swingers”. Leaders who have a hard time using their words end up not leading at all. Teams turn away or don’t listen to messages being shared.
The good news is that we can all learn to be assertive communicators- stating our needs and wants while still being respectful of the other person’s point of view. Empowering others to communicate more clearly is such an important skill for leaders to master.
Thanks Alli for your great additions!
Terri – I love this post! I was hooked by your opening story and the powerful connection between the lesson to help your little girl and how that can be applied to leadership!
Our children can teach us so much about leadership and relationships. In being a supportive and nurturing parent we bring those lessons into leading in order to be more impactful and cultivate deeper relationships.
Thanks Chery!