While presenting a training workshop on Coaching and Difficult Conversations this week, several of the dedicated managers asked an important question:
“What if I just ignored the problem and worked around the team member?”
It seemed that the managers had a lot of anxiety with having discussions about performance with some individuals on their teams even if it meant doing the work themselves or handing it off to someone else. They were willing to ignore an obvious breach of protocol in lieu of trying to impact a change with a person not displaying accountability. They even convinced themselves that speaking with the individual who they perceived was unwilling to change was a waste of their time.
[Tweet “When we avoid difficult conversations, we are not leading.”]
As we delved deeper and talked about the real reasons why they didn’t want to have the dialogue, it became clear that they were emotionally charged and felt they had no control. Then we began thinking: What was worse, not having the difficult conversation or dealing with the repercussions of coaching their team member? It was time to take the bull by the horns and explore how to have a meaningful discussion.
Here are five strategies to nail that difficult conversation:
CHANGE YOUR MINDSET
When Franklin Delano Roosevelt said: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”, he was having a difficult conversation with the country. Some of the managers were definitely fearful of being able to say what they needed to say in a clear way. By changing our thinking from fear to “I really need to conduct this important conversation”, we empower ourselves to do what is best for the team and the individual.
LISTEN BEFORE ASKING
Before rolling out any of our perspectives, leaders will gain a great deal of insight by just listening. Some critical information may emerge about the process or a particular obstacle that we may not know about if we just allow the team member to share their view of why they are working or behaving a certain way. Commit to listening with depth.
DISCARD YOUR EMOTIONS
Sometimes easier said then done, we need to separate our emotions about the person and focus on the issue at hand. When we get caught up in labeling someone lazy or antagonistic, we will never change a pattern or work roadblock. Some of the managers were so frustrated and angry that they couldn’t even form the words to have a meaningful dialogue to present honest feedback.
VALIDATE
Each of us has our own vantage point of how things are going on our team and need to feel validated about our actions. Saying: “I understand why you might feel that way” or “That is one way of looking at the issue” can be powerful in helping someone open up in a difficult conversation. Be open to allowing others to express how they see their challenge and avoid interrupting or judging.
[Tweet “Remember there are two sides in every conversation.”]
CREATE A MUTUAL SOLUTION
The final step in conducting a difficult conversation is coming up with a solution that incorporates both the team member’s and leader’s ideas. Think about how valued you feel when your suggestions are recognized and included. Ask: “How would you do things differently next time?” Make sure to integrate their new solutions. Of course it is also essential that we lead the way by explaining the necessary procedures and the need to be accountable. Then leave room for the team member to use their unique style to execute.
How have you dealt with difficult conversations? What strategies have worked for a successful outcome?
Ignoring the problem never makes it better, and usually makes it much worse. And, without feedback, that person takes the same behavior into their next role and the cycle continues. I find this happens with managers too, afraid to really get to the heart of the issue in the feedback they give. If you start from a place of truly wanting to help the person improve, than your feedback has a better chance of being received. Great post.
I agree Karin that the ultimate goal for a manager is to truly want to help someone improve rather than being just about the team performance.
What we talked a great deal about was the importance of honest feedback and how it helped others really grow in their careers. I think the bosses we had along the way who were willing to give us constructive strategies to change were the bosses we most remember. Of course the delivery of our message can make or break the difficult conversation.
Thanks Karin!
I have found that listening to the other side of the story really makes a difference!
Sometimes discarding our emotions so we can validate what is really going on makes all the difference in the world.
It takes courage to speak, and even more courage to speak with wisdom!
Love this list, Terri!
You are so right LaRae that when leaders listen to the other side of the story they may learn about issues they didn’t know existed. If we can also keep an open mind about why things may be breaking down or not flowing as well as they could, it is more likely that a mutual solution can be reached.
Thanks for your great additions!
This is great, Terri. I’ve led training on how to have difficult conversations and some of the managers revealed that what they feared was the other person’s reaction. Would they be hated or worse, verbally attacked. We practiced scenarios and worked on using facts (examples) and owning the statements. It was tempting for some to say “so and so think…” and put off the coaching and criticism on someone else.
It’s easier to have feedback be well received when it’s clear that you want the person to be successful. It’s very different than simply wanting them to change. When people know you’re on the same team, you’re working together and not one against the other. Really appreciate that you’ve emphasized the importance of finding a mutual solution – critical!
Thanks, Terri! I’m going to email this to some people that I know will benefit immediately.
The managers in my program were definitely worried about how they were going to be attacked, so much so, that they were willing to redo the work themselves.
Facts are essential and removing emotions was critical to having a constructive conversation. Coaching effectively can open up the dialogue and give value to both the team member and the leader.
Love your insights Alli! Thanks as always!
Excellent points, Terri. Ignoring situations is never a good idea. What each of these elements translate to is creating a plan. I believe thinking through how to best position the change need and then several suggestions on how to create the change will be time well-spent. It will help take emotion out of the conversation and start with a positive, more open tenor. All things important when having these challenging conversations.
Appreciate your insights here! Jon
Having a plan and knowing what one wants to say during the difficult situation is the best way to lead. Good preparation enables less emotion as leaders can then focus on the challenges rather than on the individual.
When I need to conduct a difficult conversation I make sure that I have all my ducks lined up as well as anticipate the kinds of questions I may be asked. I keep the bullet points in front of me in order to stay on track.I also make sure to listen carefully to the other person’s perspective and validate their views.
Thanks Jon!
Terri
Excellent post Terri!
My favorite quote out of this piece:
‘When we avoid difficult conversations, we are not leading.’
It’s true! Unfortunately, I run into this a great deal, and especially in people who are leaders and even teach on the subject!
Your insights nailed some of the common culprits, especially in regards to labeling early on. As soon as we label people, we’ve already judged them without understanding them. Meaning, before we’ve taken the time to do our homework, we’ve already pre-determined what the problem is. Which is usually about OUR character and not the person we are judging.
‘When a pick pocket sees a saint, all’s he can see are the pockets.’ (Meaning, the person can’t see past their own character so they will view even the best person to be as limited as themselves.)
Intention is really important to how we see someone. Our own insecurities will also get in the way of how we see people and how we choose to interact. And as you pointed out, the first big one is fear. We may be afraid of having that difficult conversation because we feel insecure about it. Yet tend to project that onto the other person. We blame THEM for our own insecurity and inability to have the difficult conversation.
When we genuinely have the other persons best interests at heart, I believe we are better equipped to risk having the conversation no matter how difficult. Because we want not just success for ourselves, but we sincerely want the other person to succeed as well.
And who can possibly succeed if we’ve set them up for failure before we even talk to them and provide any feedback?
Great post Terri!
Fear does sometimes get the better of us and can strip us of our confidence to lead a difficult conversation. And I love your point about labeling people. When we judge others by attaching adjectives that have no significance, we are not being sincere or helpful. In fact we are doing just the opposite.
There is nothing more caring than providing honest feedback in a respectful way. When people help us grow by sharing valuable guidance, we remember them forever.
Thanks Samantha for stopping by and adding your insightful additions!