They really can get the best of us when we face them daily. They know just what to do to frustrate us and are so able to challenge any suggestion we make. Just seeing them across a conference table can set off warning lights in our heads that force us to back down or even surrender. It’s exhausting and de-energizing to be assigned to the same project with them. We hope we are never stuck in an elevator by ourselves with these people as they will surely throw us into a panic attack. Who are we talking about?
Toxic colleagues.
Do any of these remarks sound familiar?
“My co-worker has a nasty habit of over talking me whenever I speak up at our team meetings.”
“My counterpart in another department keeps me out of the loop by not sharing all the necessary information. Makes me nuts!”
“I am working with this person on a tight deadline. He is constantly rewriting whatever I present. He can’t accept any of my work.”
I have heard all these comments in my leadership programs with anger and confusion. On one hand, we are upset that we have to exist in a work environment with toxic colleagues, and on the other hand we allow them to ruin our job situations and do nothing to stop it.
To lead with influence from whatever position we are in, we need to deal with toxic colleagues with these five methods:
1. RECOGNIZE THEIR IMPACT ON OUR WORK ENVIRONMENTS
We may not want to admit it, but if we have a co-worker who constantly puts us down or consistently criticizes our work, we are dealing with a toxic colleague. These team members may be jealous of our abilities and as a result take any opportunity to take credit away from us. They will do anything to cast us in a bad light in order to make themselves feel better.
2. TAKE AWAY THE POWER THEY SEEM TO HAVE
Here is a crazy secret about a toxic colleague– we allow them to have power over us. How nuts is that? We actually give them permission to carry out inappropriate behavior when we don’t shut them down. To lead more effectively when we are confronted with toxic people:
- Challenge their assumptions with facts
- Be clear on your perspectives and explain why
- Stand up for yourself
3. TRY TO FOSTER CIVILITY
Leaders know that respect can help turn around a difficult relationship. Ask yourself if there are ways to work around the abrasive toxic personality and cultivate civility. Say hello and ask the person how their day is going. Ask for input from them and express appreciation. Little steps of kindness may help you create a civil connection. Not perfect, perhaps, but manageable.
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4. COMMUNICATE ASSERTIVELY
The best way to speak with toxic colleagues is using assertive communication. That means expressing our needs and wants in a clear and direct way while still being respectful.
- Begin your statements by using the word “I” to show ownership of your thoughts, rather than the accusatory “You”
- Express your true feelings and how their actions affect you and your work
- Stay calm
- Use non-judgmental language
- Don’t make assumptions
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5. MAINTAIN OUR SELF-WORTH
No matter what, we cannot allow toxic colleagues to compromise our self-worth. We cannot give in to their negativity or critical nature. We must trust our inner voices that we are strong, offer value to our teams and care about the people we see each day. We can lead with courage and compassion.
How have you dealt with a toxic colleague? What tips can you share?
(Image credit: Pixabay)
I worked with an incredibly toxic colleague (or two or three). One in particular, I was upfront with her, cordial, respectful and tried my hardest to develop a relationship. In return, she twisted my words and went to the CEO to share her thoughts on me. What I learned from that experience was that I handled myself in a way that I can be proud regardless of the outcome. Ultimately, people will be seen for who they are. Good advice, Terri.
Alli
It can be so stressful dealing with a toxic co-worker because they are so unpredictable and thrive on putting us down. You were so brave to be cordial and try to develop the relationship. Sometimes that can work because the difficult person just needs constant approval. But as you shared, sometimes they will just be mean spirited and behave in a way that alienates us.
Thanks Alli for sharing your experiences and lessons with us! Terri
I have worked with several toxic colleagues and my philosophy was this: ignore them as much as possible. I simply won’t put up with it so I carefully constructed ways to avoid them. In one instance, I was assigned to work with a toxic colleague but I still found ways to minimize my interaction with her. With a little forethought, it’s amazing how you can find ways to “be in another room” especially when you’re very civil to them in front of their face and when in the company of others…
If we can avoid them, that is a great strategy for dealing with toxic colleagues. The challenge comes in when we have to collaborate with them on a project or face them in a meeting. We need to lead by staying calm and assertively communicating our needs with respect but always speaking up if we have something to say. We can’t let them stifle our voices.
Thanks so much LaRae for your insightful additions!
Excellent, very practical and beneficial points. Toxic (difficult) colleagues (male or female) and their bad behaviors are a reality and a systematic thinking and approach is required to handle. Staying calm, appropriate communication and showing patience is best defense. Showing anger and raising voice can add fuel to the fire.
Zafarmanzoor,Sr.Exec,Pakistan.
I agree that when we lose our “cool” and resort to anger, toxic co-workers win. Leaders need to first take control of the situation and then communicate their needs in a respectful, but clear and direct way.
Thanks so much Zafar!
Great reminders Terri on working with toxic colleagues. I think the main thing that stands out for me is establishing and keeping great boundaries. Meaning that being very professional but definitely letting that person know where unacceptable behavior starts. I appreciate your leadership Terri!
That’s a great point about boundaries because sometimes leaders allow toxic colleagues to get in their space and take over. That’s where assertive communication is so critical so that we can share our wants and needs but still stay calm and respectful.
I appreciate your support and great additions Cynthia!