When we were kids, we knew that someone didn’t care for us if they put out their foot and tripped us while we were walking. It is a game that children do to each other which can be frustrating and hurtful. This game playing continues into adulthood and in our workplaces, taking a slightly different format. There are always people on our teams and individuals who we collaborate with who we may not get along. They challenge our decisions and actions and even might coerce us into accepting their way of doing things. After we give in because we are too tired of conflict, we are disappointed in our reactions. But it doesn’t have to be this way as leaders have a choice in how to face difficult people.
One of my most requested training presentations is entitled: “Dealing With Difficult People”. The attendees can’t wait to sink their teeth into empowering themselves to face down these individuals. We always end up with great discussions and idea sharing. We begin our session with looking at why difficult people trip us up.
Seven Myths and Ways To Face Difficult People:
1. WE CAN WISH THEM AWAY
There is an old adage that if we wish hard enough, the difficult people in our jobs and lives will disappear. Well, just the opposite is true. We may believe we can “will” them away, but difficult people are here to stay. And just when one leaves, another arrives. So the first step in facing difficult people is recognizing that they are and will always be part of our work environments.
2. THEY HAVE CONTROL OVER US
This myth is one of the craziest ones in dealing with difficult people. We oftentimes feel they have power over us. ABSOLUTELY NOT! They can only control us if we allow them to.
- We need to speak up and share our concerns in an assertive and respectful way
- We can’t just ignore the behavior if it is affecting our relationship and performance
- We need to describe the behavior in non-judgmental terms
- We can talk to a co-worker, colleague, boss or friend and ask how they might handle the situation
[Tweet “Leaders face difficult people in a clear and respectful way.”]
3. WE ARE THE ONLY ONES
Contrary to what we may be feeling, take comfort in knowing that all of us have difficult people to deal with. But what is fascinating is that what seems like difficult behavior for one person may not be difficult for another. Have you ever noticed that certain team members really get on your nerves but don’t seem to bother others? That’s because each of us reacts differently to the same behaviors or attitudes. Each of us brings our own unique imprint of what we think is difficult behavior.
4. WE ARE NOT CONTRIBUTING
Do you think that you are not impacting how the difficult person is acting towards you? No behavior takes place in a vacuum. In some way we might be rewarding the behavior. Maybe the individual is a whiner and we give in because we can’t put up with the whining. So think about how you may be reinforcing a difficult person’s actions.
5. OUR SUCCESS IS MEASURED BY HOW THEY REACT
Our success needs to be measured by how we deal with the difficult person, not by how they react. It is not our job to make a negative person not negative. We can’t force an aggressive person to be less aggressive. We just need to stand up for our rights.
[Tweet “When we stand up for ourselves and speak out we are leading.”]
6. WE HAVE NO SKILLS TO EFFECTIVELY DEAL WITH THEM
The best way to deal with a difficult person is to use assertive communication that is:
- Clear
- Open
- Direct
- Respectful
7. WE MAY ACTUALLY BE THE DIFFICULT PERSON
This is the realization that some of us may come to see. Yes, some of us may actually be the difficult person. Keep that in mind.
What strategies have you used to lead when dealing with difficult people?
Great post Terri! We’ve often gone into a customer situation where someone will tell us who the difficult people are. Often, we find that the person is difficult because either 1) the environment is changing & the person does not want to change (for a variety of reasons) or 2) the person is not being heard (or at least feel as though they aren’t). Of course, there are a variety of reasons that you do a great job of elucidating. Those 2 are the ones we run into most frequently.
There are so many reasons that people become difficult and change is a big one. When individuals fear for their jobs or they are not being able to master new responsibilities, they sometimes become obstinate. If leaders can try to figure why someone is being difficult, it can really change a situation around. Recently I saw several partners in a firm feeling they weren’t able to bring in new business as quickly as they use to. This caused them to feel less important and they became very critical of others.
Thanks Joy for sharing your experiences!
Liked the points you made, Terri!
Especially about “wishing” away difficult people…wishful thinking is for wimps! All it does it suck away precious energy we could be deploying elsewhere…
It is so true that when we just keep hoping something will change and not really doing much about it, we are wasting precious time and energy.
Action with respect is the best way to go.
Thanks LaRae for your additions!
Terri, Excellent post. I’ve found this to be a tremendously popular topic as well. In fact, my MBA class called “dealing with difficult people had a waiting list 😉 I’m so with you that we have much more power in these situations than we think. It’s so important to know that there is much you can do to improve the situation and make your life easier.
I loved hearing that your MBA class on “Dealing With Difficult People” has a waiting list because it shows that the students have a great desire to lead in this area. We do have more control than we think and sometimes all it takes is sharing our concerns in a respectful way and listening to the other person’s perspectives.
I always get a chuckle when I say: “Sometimes the difficult person is you”.
Thanks Karin!
Absolutely fantastic, Terri. I was trying to pick out my favorites here and one stood out: Our success is measured by their reaction.
Years ago, I was brought into a leadership role in a new organization. One of the other leaders who was in a critical role and had been there almost from day one decided that my role was not necessary. It meant a change and the organization was “great” as-is. Instead of coming to me to discuss my approach, she went to the founders.
I invited her to lunch and she told me point blank: I don’t want you here. We don’t need you. Starting a relationship was next to impossible.
Ultimately did all the right things for the org that I knew how to possibly do and stood with my integrity. She was threatened and it was up to me to hold my head high (and use some of those skills you mention above.)
Again, excellent and will definitely be sharing!
~ Alli
Thank you so much Alli for sharing your poignant story about dealing with difficult people! I am sure it took a great deal of courage to work with this individual, especially inviting her to lunch.
When people feel threatened, like you colleague, it is very difficult to convince them otherwise. The key is to not allow them power over us and just continue growing our own experiences and leadership. And that sounds like what you did so well.
Thanks for your honest story and insights, Alli!
Great post Terri!
I love your reminders that we ALL deal with difficult people, that we all have different opinions of who is difficult, and that we may be the difficult one!
Thank you!
Thanks Chery! It is fascinating that each of us brings our own feelings when we connect with others. For example, I have noticed that if someone has a positive relationship with an elder in their family, they are more likely to be understanding of older people in the workplace. And the opposite is true as well. If they have an adversarial relationship with someone elderly in their personal lives, they bring those attitudes to work too.
As always, I appreciate you sharing!