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While presenting a training workshop on Coaching and Difficult Conversations this week, several of the dedicated managers asked an important question:

“What if I just ignored the problem and worked around the team member?”

It seemed that the managers had a lot of anxiety with having discussions about performance with some individuals on their teams even if it meant doing the work themselves or handing it off to someone else. They were willing to ignore an obvious breach of protocol in lieu of trying to impact a change with a person not displaying accountability. They even convinced themselves that speaking with the individual who they perceived was unwilling to change was a waste of their time.

[Tweet “When we avoid difficult conversations, we are not leading.”]

As we delved deeper and talked about the real reasons why they didn’t want to have the dialogue, it became clear that they were emotionally charged and felt they had no control. Then we began thinking: What was worse, not having the difficult conversation or dealing with the repercussions of coaching their team member? It was time to take the bull by the horns and explore how to have a meaningful discussion.

Here are five strategies to nail that difficult conversation:

CHANGE YOUR MINDSET

When Franklin Delano Roosevelt said: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”, he was having a difficult conversation with the country. Some of the managers were definitely fearful of being able to say what they needed to say in a clear way. By changing our thinking from fear to “I really need to conduct this important conversation”, we empower ourselves to do what is best for the team and the individual.

 LISTEN BEFORE ASKING

Before rolling out any of our perspectives, leaders will gain a great deal of insight by just listening. Some critical information may emerge about the process or a particular obstacle that we may not know about if we just allow the team member to share their view of why they are working or behaving a certain way. Commit to listening with depth.

 DISCARD YOUR EMOTIONS

Sometimes easier said then done, we need to separate our emotions about the person and focus on the issue at hand. When we get caught up in labeling someone lazy or antagonistic, we will never change a pattern or work roadblock. Some of the managers were so frustrated and angry that they couldn’t even form the words to have a meaningful dialogue to present honest feedback.

VALIDATE

Each of us has our own vantage point of how things are going on our team and need to feel validated about our actions. Saying: “I understand why you might feel that way” or “That is one way of looking at the issue” can be powerful in helping someone open up in a difficult conversation. Be open to allowing others to express how they see their challenge and avoid interrupting or judging.

[Tweet “Remember there are two sides in every conversation.”]

CREATE A MUTUAL SOLUTION

The final step in conducting a difficult conversation is coming up with a solution that incorporates both the team member’s and leader’s ideas. Think about how valued you feel when your suggestions are recognized and included. Ask: “How would you do things differently next time?” Make sure to integrate their new solutions.  Of course it is also essential that we lead the way by explaining the necessary procedures and the need to be accountable. Then leave room for the team member to use their unique style to execute.

How have you dealt with difficult conversations? What strategies have worked for a successful outcome?

 

 

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