Throughout their workday leaders typically bounce in and out of unplanned challenges. Some of us are more able to roll with the missed deadlines or customer demands while others just become overly frustrated. When these imperfect scenarios erupt we need to be able to share our thoughts clearly and calmly. But what occasionally happens is that leaders can be caught “off-guard” and feel unprepared to respond in the most professional way. Instead of staying solution focused, they can escalate the encounter.
This is what happened to an individual I have been working with. Their exchange with both a team member and their shared client was a classic case of a swinger- swinging from passive to aggressive communication. As they unfolded their story it was evident that they had wished things had come down differently. So did I.
Here are four leadership pivots to prevent passive-aggressive communication:
1. Prepare And Prepare Some More
Prior to walking into any meeting with a team member or customer it is critical to understand the purpose of your time together. Think about what the pain points may be for the other individuals or company. Do tons of research on what may be frustrating them. Ask questions of others who have worked with them before and know how they interact. The last thing a leader wants to happen is to “react” rather than “respond” to a problem or hot topic.
To prevent passive-aggressive communication leaders need to be prepared. Share on X2. Recognize The Eruption Signals
For leaders who may have a high EQ (emotional intelligence) it may not be as difficult to identify, but for many others reading another person’s emotions and body language can be quite challenging. Having the ability to recognize the signs of an upset or frustrated person can stop a leader from becoming an aggressive communicator. Some things to look and listen for are:
- A person’s voice level becomes louder.
- The individual starts to squirm, wave their hands, or seem more emotional.
- The words you hear sound like attacks towards you and less about the problem.
- People are throwing you under the bus and becoming accusatory.
3. Focus On The Issues Not The Person
When an interaction becomes heated it is usually because the conversation has moved away from the facts and issues and towards the people involved. This occurred with the person I was working with. The issue was actually minuscule compared to the personal attacks. That led to inappropriate accusations about the individual instead of trying to resolve the problem. When that happens it is important to take hold of the communication by speaking calmly, lowering your tone and reminding everyone that they have the same goal. In a short space of time, a perfectly professional interaction can escalate into an outright brawl. Say what you need to say in a respectful way. Don’t hold in the essential information you need to share but rather state it with honesty and clarity.
Leaders can take control of a heated communication by staying calm and speaking softer. Share on X4. Sum It Up and Let It Go
A final strategy for leaders to prevent passive-aggressive communication is to pull the conversation together and look at the next steps. The goal is to have everyone on the same page feeling successful.
- Summarize the different perspectives that were shared by everyone.
- Be clear on what follow-up actions need to be.
- Thank people for taking the time to meet. Gratitude is essential.
- Most importantly, leave the drama and heated discussion behind. Commit to moving forward.
How have you pivoted from passive-aggressive communication? How has that move helped you become a better leader and communicator?
I admit I laughed when I read “that leaders can be caught “off-guard”” and escalate their communication. The reason is that I’ve worked for more than a few leaders who did not have a high awareness of their EQ. One leader, in particular, didn’t stop at passive-aggressive – they were downright terrible to their direct reports in a debrief meeting. Clearly, they were feeling stressed and instead of taking a moment to compose themselves prior to the meeting, they took it out on the team. When you’re on the flip side of that kind of an attack, it can be hard to know what to do to de-escalate. Your suggestions here work on both sides of the equation.
Will share!
Alli
That story about the leader with a low EQ is so common when leaders are dealing with fast-paced ever-changing work environments. Customers are super demanding and then teams are being asked to fill unrealistic deliverables. What I have found to work is anticipating what may go wrong and build that into a more manageable delivery time. Also, it is never worth losing our cool. Nothing positive will come of it.
Thanks Alli for sharing your wonderful insights!
Thank you very much for allowing to make a comment. I have a smart curiosity about that story because of my exprience in the journey of my Brac life.In my journey of Brac what I have realized from their leadership quality is called agressissive communicater. How? Firstly strategy is very significant to provide the leadership skills and this strategy is the one who can control the whole organizational leadership. In this contex the strategy of that organization is very poor according to leadership coach. As a result they do not have a emotional intelligency. Emotional intellegency is very worthwhile building the smartist leader in stead of aggresive commiuncater. When a leader failed to understand about the phychology of the team then they will not be able to a very good leader.
The leader have to work with his team by example and if you have education then he can make himself a extraordinary leader. But unfortunately most of the leaders are feudal minded which is connected with massive ignorency. This is so called idots leadership and this type of leaders job depends on their junior staffs. They want to make their performance through the staffs but they do not follow their professional character.Not only this but also they acheive their performence by abusing the staff even they use their tactics yet there is no fault. This is so called Boss is alwayes Boss and this culture is not a part of the leadership.This is totally a full of egnorency.
Now you can ask me that organization is biggest and how they become as well as big organization. The answered is very clear. on the one way success can come anyway in any organization but that could not be valued in the leadership discourse. I am your employee and I need job for serving my family then I have follow what you give me even if it is torture and make a massive discrimination. So that if economy is booming in the organization but there is no culture of leadeship skills which is means economy is booming by agressive leadership.
In conclusion agressive commiunicator is band of poor leadership and it is vey terrible for employees of the organization. A smart leader should know about minds of the employees and he or she will be close with his team. So that only and only a successful man could not be a leader. One the other hand a person who is not a success but his employees are happy to him is called a successful leader.
Thanks for sharing your perspectives with us Munir!
Love these comments, Terri. I’ve found that preparation and role-playing can really help when it comes to being professional in our response to the unexpected and unknown. I’m also a big advocate of standing in front of a camera and recording our response when we role-play. I was totally shocked at the hardness of my facial expressions! The “look” I gave when confronted with unpleasant news or criticism was revealing…I didn’t think I came across as stern and cold but the video showed a different story! And my voice…it dripped with sarcasm. All in all it was both a horrible experience and yet very instructive at the same time. Bottom line: we all need to be prepared for the unexpected…
Thanks for sharing your experience with being in front of a camera to understand how you were coming across. It is such a fascinating exercise for leaders to see an honest portrayal of themselves. I also agree that if we can be prepared for all types of difficult situations we can “respond” rather than just “react”. It’s those reactions that can really trip us up and lead to more conflict.
I appreciate your additions as always LaRae!