Leadership can be lonely. That is the honest truth. Have you ever sat still long enough to look around to see and feel what was happening with the people and the activities in your personal and professional life? Sometimes we sense that decisions are being made without us and we aren’t even being asked for input. Other times we seem to be the only person stepping up and offering suggestions. There is an old adage that says: “It’s lonely at the top”. I am not one to believe in this absurd statement because leading has absolutely nothing to do with being by oneself. In fact, just the opposite is true- leadership is all about surrounding oneself with talented people who have as much heart as you do. Of course there are times we need to reflect privately but those moments are heart-to-heart learning opportunities. So if you find yourself feeling like a lonely leader here are five ways to kick-start your transformation:
1. ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU’RE FEELING LONELY
It’s always a good idea to try to get in touch with the reasons behind your leadership loneliness.
- Are we overwhelmed with our workload, staying late with few breaks, feeling unappreciated?
- Do we sense we are making decisions in isolation, getting little input from others?
- Are our suggestions constantly being overlooked and not treated with respect?
2. MAKE YOUR MISSION TO CONNECT
The opposite of being lonely is connecting with others in a meaningful way so that we can share challenges as well as victories. There’s nothing emptier than having a “win” with no one to cheer you on. Decide who you want to learn more about and work alongside. Then make a time to meet, over coffee or lunch or break. You may be surprised how someone who you see daily sees their world and workspace. By investing in them you are investing in your leadership.
3. LOCATE YOUR DRIVERS
Another way to overcome being lonely is to discover what makes you “tick”. What makes you smile and brings you joy? Are you working on projects and materials that draw on your interests and values? Although I spend time by myself writing and designing, it is essential that I facilitate workshops to balance my need to be with others. The people piece is a huge driver for me. So try to align your days with activities that matter to you.
[Tweet “Strong leaders are able to discover what brings them joy.”]
4. HONOR THE WORDS OF OTHERS
When we keep an open mind when listening to others, we are able to be a more empathetic leader. When we show others that their ideas are worth sharing we build deeper bonds and feel less lonely.
- Tell others how valuable their suggestions are to meeting the team deadlines and turning out a superior result.
- If you disagree, say you do but don’t blame. Just state that their views are just another way to look at things. When we don’t make an effort to use other people’s ideas, they oftentimes just shut down and we are stuck making all the decisions.
- Show gratitude for great contributions by giving people credit and telling others all about it.
[Tweet “When we honor the words of others, we lead with empathy.”]
5. COMMIT TO LEADERSHIP GENEROSITY
A great way to not feel lonely is to take an interest in what others are doing. In fact, we often learn new things about ourselves when we grow with others. Share some of the new lessons you’ve learned with others in a generous way. It feels so good to help others achieve their goals as we assist them in their career journeys. Share. Share. And share some more.
How have you overcome being a lonely leader? What ways have helped you leave the loneliness behind?
Your post speaks volumes of truth, Terri. Leaders are often the lonliest of people…I’m involved in a situation now where the “top guy” finds himself isolated from others. In talking with folks, they will tell me what they really think (and many times there are loads of compliments) but they feel uncomfortable praising him to his face.
Leaders need to know what they’re doing right as well, not just everything that is going wrong.
Your point with “Locate Your Drivers” is huge. Once you surround yourself with people who really do have the ear of the community, you can learn a lot about what’s working and what is not.
Great point LaRae that leaders need to also know what is going well. We spend too much time critiquing others in what they could do differently and not enough time mapping out what their strengths and gifts are.
It is very interesting about the guy you are presently working with and it makes perfect sense that he is feeling isolated if everyone is uncomfortable telling the truth. All levels of leadership grow the most when they receive honest and authentic feedback. What a waste that his team is not able to share their thoughts to his face.
Thanks LaRae!
Terri, This is such an important post! I think often leaders isolate themselves because they are afraid to feel vulnerable and let people in. I think this “lonely feeling” leads to some of the wacky behaviors we often see from famous leaders who should know better. Leadership done well should be highly connected, not lonely.
I agree Karin that when leaders feel insecure about sharing who they are and what they honestly feel, they can sometimes separate themselves from the very team members they need for support. It’s ironic that we allow fear to prevent us from opening up authentically and then we are left all alone.
When leaders believe in who they are, they are more likely to make deeper connections, resulting in not feeling lonely.
Thanks Karin!
Terri,
You have put words to what I see so many leaders struggle with daily. They’re not really lonely at the top, they’re isolating themselves and taking on the weight of the world.
I worked for someone many years ago who said that the decisions always came down to him and he needed to put himself on the line, not the team. Great in theory but he turned down the wisdom and support of his direct reports and the extended team and separated himself.
Truly fantastic ideas here that I look forward to sharing.
Thanks!
I love how you said it Alli, “They’re not really lonely at the top, they’re isolating themselves and taking on the weight of the world.” Isolation can be very debilitating and cause leadership burnout. When we value and empower collaboration we can come up with innovative decisions that include both the team’s and leader’s ideas. The outcome is usually far superior to the leader making the choices in isolation. Additionally everyone feels they have a stake in the solution.
Thanks Alli for your continued support and meaningful sharing!
Terri,
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, if a leader is feeling lonely, then give. Giving in or outside of the workplace will re-connect the leader in more ways than initially imagined.
So, give… freely and often!
Great reminders here. Thank you!
Jon
Fabulous suggestion, Jon!
When we give of ourselves people want to come aboard and be part of something that matters. Modeling generosity enables leaders to inspire their teams to great choices.
Thanks and Happy Thanksgiving to you, Jon!
Terri I really like your second point, “Make your Mission to connect”. As leaders we need to engage with out teams and understand what they are looking for. We need to use the management principle of “Managing by waking around” or “Go to the Gemba” the place where the work is being done. We can’t lock ourselves away but be present with our team.
Thanks and Happy Thanksgiving!
I love your idea, Tom of “managing by walking around”! When leaders get into the trenches they learn so much about both the projects as well as their team members. There can be a fine line between “just checking in” and micromanaging and that is important for leaders to tweak. Teams need to feel they are cared about without feeling like they are being judged or constantly critiqued.
Thanks so much Tom for your great additions and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving too!