In an intriguing NY Times Op Ed piece today, David Brooks explained that whatever activities we pursue, we are essentially looking for ways to cultivate friends. Whether we attend a conference, go on a tour or go to a networking event, what we are truly “craving” is finding new people to build meaningful relationships.
Brooks talks about the intrinsic benefits of friendship:
- Friendship helps people make better decisions by working together and thinking through the problem with someone else.
- Friendship brings out our better self as we tend to pick up the quality attributes of others we spend time with.
- Friendship tends to make people behave better as we long to live up to our friend’s expectations of us. It feels good to be known and respected.
Wow! Isn’t that what leadership is all about? Don’t leaders want to build friendships in the same way?
[Tweet “Leaders who value friendship create interconnected teams.”]
Here are some ways to lead with friendship as a number 1 priority:
COLLABORATE WITH PEOPLE TO SOLVE PROBLEMS
Just as Brooks describes the benefits of making better personal decisions when we have a friend to share our feelings and perspectives with, we can do the same with our teams when problem solving. You know the old adage of : 1+1=3? By asking for input and suggestions from our teammates, we may be able to discover innovative solutions we never thought possible. As the participants in my Problem Solving workshop this week witnessed, a different and fresh viewpoint can open us up to a whole different direction. It can breathe life into a stuck project.
UNCOVER A BETTER YOU BY OBSERVING OTHERS
When we surround ourselves with kind and generous people, we tend to take on some of those qualities. Have you ever been part of a fundraiser for a cause that you were initially unfamiliar? Did you get wrapped up and grow from that experience? If we are willing to learn how to open our hearts and minds to making a difference in the lives of others, we will become more empathetic leaders with an eye to serving others.
CULTIVATE A TEAM WHERE EVERYONE FEELS THEY BELONG
Like the characters in the old “Cheers” sitcom, it feels so safe and special to have a place where everybody knows your name. This is the type of workplace we want to design for high quality and interconnectedness. Additionally, team members will want to do their best when they are valued and other teammates recognize their worth. On teams where there is a feeling of belonging there is also a sense of commitment and accountability to the community.
[Tweet “Leaders need to cultivate a sense of belonging for their teams.”]
Brooks believes that one way to encourage friendships is to create adult camps or retreat centers. In a similar way, teams can plan days away from the office too. At these events, leaders can devise team activities where people can focus on building stronger relationships which would lead to the development of friendships. One activity that has worked for me is setting up an afternoon of people scavenger hunts where team members learn more about each other. Not only is it fun, but when we get to know another on a more personal level, we begin to build trust.
How can you lead by developing friendships? What could you do to bring more meaning to the relationships we encounter daily?
This is fantastic, Terri! I lingered on your mention of interconnectedness. People want to feel like they’re in the mix and friendship is a part of that. We don’t need to be BFFs with everyone, but to create a space where we’re all people at work and not simply workers makes a huge impact on company culture. Team building even on a small scale can start to build connections that makes leaders, teams and organizations “sticky” too. In a good way!
Appreciate the positivity this will bring too!
Great piece, Terri!
I love your point, Alli about not making interconnectedness all about BFF’s. It’s so true that building meaningful work relationships may be more about understanding different working styles and personalities. The goal is just to realize that teams that can bring out the best in others through support and empathy will end up being higher performers.
Thanks for your awesome additions!
The highlights I feel most proud of during my career have less to do with what we achieved, but the relationships and connections I made by achiveing them. Great post and important reminder.
As we know, people stay with organizations and jobs because they feel like they are valued and belong. That is exactly what happened to you and what happens to most of us. The relationships keep us motivated and inspired to do our best. Without deeper connections we have less functional teams.
Thanks Karin for sharing your story and perspective!
Really enjoyed this David Brooks column. He is one of the people who always encourages me to think deeper, and he is very correct in the need for friendships and how this (unfortunately) changes as we age. We need to make the effort to change this. It is a leader’s responsibility. Thanks for showing some ways to do just this. Jon
I’m with you about David Brooks. He always has an interesting perspective, especially on people issues.
The concept of friendship does evolve throughout our lives. Maybe if we tried to remember the way we connected as children to build sand castles together or played jump rope as a team we could bring that mentality into the workplace.
Thanks Jon!
Important post, Terri
Too often we hear the word ‘relationship’ as it applies to how leaders relate to others, but the word ‘friendship’ implies something deeper and more meaningful.
It’s about developing qualities that let others know they are valued and “seen” as human beings, not simply acknowledged.
That’s the key, LaRae, you said it: “let others know they are valued and “seen” as human beings, not simply acknowledged.”
Leading means taking time to really understand what drives and motivates others as well as helping them to put their dreams into action.
Thanks LaRae, my friend!
Great post Terri. The best business I have done working in organizations and on my own, are with the people I have made quality connections with. There is a great level of trust and wanting to provide great value to one another. Great job on this post. I always love your writing!
You are so right Cynthia that when we develop that level of trust with people, we really don’t want to let them down so we push ourselves to perform in an outstanding way. We want to be helpful and make valuable contributions.
I so appreciate your support and spurring me on!!